Love and Marriage in the Decade of Uncertainty
On Love and Marriage
Scenario 1: First came attraction, then love. And if the couple is lucky enough, marriage follows. Then a deeper bond of friendship. Then mid-life crisis (which can hit you between 30s to late 40s). Then if you are blessed by the stars: remorse, resolution, and transformation follows. When this happens, you are pretty sure that you will indeed have a friend, companion, and lover till the end of your days.
And your children who are your constant witnesses will be able to deal with life better, and perhaps have as good as, if not better luck, in finding their own partners for life.
Scenario 2: First came attraction, then love, or whatever passes for love for people who, at whatever age, are immature and “need” to have somebody to love them. And if one or both of the couples didn’t learn from their lessons as man and woman of the house, then bitterness follows. Blaming becomes the norm.
And the couple? With no remorse, no real effort to make things better, and with the presence of contempt shown by either or both – the marriage is most likely ended.
The children definitely will be psychologically affected – some of whom will make this experience their armor that pushes them to be better than their elders; while some, with weak psychological make-up, will be damaged for a long time, maybe for life.
How then can we have a happy marriage?
1. Learn to bring your Ego six feet below the ground.
2. Show appreciation to your spouse most often. Even bullies love to be appreciated. How much more your loving partner?
3. And husbands are exhorted to remember these two adages:
- Men should always - or more often - have the last two words in any argument: Yes Dear! :)
- Happy wife = happy life!
4. Women should, ideally, remember to do what they used to be for their man. Remember when you were just starting out? Yes, those little things, the words, the gestures. These are still within you, and him too. Somebody only needs to re-ignite these years later.
5. Ah. Remember too that most men are still boys at heart. And most women are still teenagers in theirs. Remember this, and act on it appropriately.
On Children and Parenthood
Children, know and realize that:
1. Parents don’t really know how to raise kids at the start. When you were born, there was no operating manual that came along with you. All your parents had was love for you, hope for the future, and the personal resolve to create a better world for you.
2. How your grandparents raised your parents, that’s how your parents will most likely raise you up. Unless of course your parents became wise enough from their childhood experiences early on, and realized that some of what their parents did to them are not really appropriate to be done to their own children.
If they did – like they don’t spank you as they were so often did by their own parents, or they allow you more latitude in decision-making than they ever had at the same age – then consider yourself lucky!
If they are still unaware of the psychological damage done to you (much more than the physical one), then know that as long as you’re still alive, you have the power to be able to change your life and your destiny. So study hard if you’re at school, or work hard to earn if you’re an out of school, because most often, good things happen to young people who are determined and never surrender to life’s seeming unfairness.
Stop blaming your parents and everybody else. Take control and accountability of your own life. Your "liberation" will come the moment you resolve to do so.
3. Most parents attain the level of happiness simply by looking at their children, regardless of their children’s ages. This is the third level of happiness and is called “meaning and purpose.” As children, you provide the meaning for your parents’ lives, whether they realize it or not – a lot really depends on the person’s level of self-awareness and introspection.
4. The scary part? Many parents don’t really have a “master plan” in raising their children. Most often, they take after their own parents and/or proceed in a “hit-and-miss” process. You think parents know what they are doing? Just like you, they are still figuring out how to live life; and how to be great parents, spouses, grandparents. All they have going for them are the desire to make things better and HOPE. For many of them, by the time many of them figure things out, their children are already all grown up and have their own families.
5. The best part? Most parents really love their children, though some of them don’t know how to express it positively. Even those who seemingly are very demanding and unappreciative have love in their hearts for their kids. They just express it differently.
6. With melancholic hearts, even parents still long for their mothers most often; and for their dads too if their fathers were responsible enough to be called as such - and there are still many of them in this world.
For parents and children:
Whatever difficult situations("hugot") moments you are in right now, the best cure that will greatly reduce your stress and heartaches are as follows:
1. Lower your ego. You don’t need to be always right. And your ego is not you. It is just a part of your public persona.
2. Learn to Love yourself more. Nobody can put you down unless you allow them to do so. You are a child of God and you have capabilities beyond your current imagination. Look within; that is the bright spark in your heart. Nurture it, even if others don’t, or can't, do it for you.
3. Give each other "Unconditional Positive Regard." This really works! from the time of Carl Rogers until now. Focus on the best aspects of each other, rather than the worst. You will then find that there is always something good with each other. And that is the framework for understanding and the bridge for a better relationship.
Good luck everybody. Hugs all around!
(And contact us should you still feel in distress. We will do our best to help you deal with your "inner demons." Together, we will also help you call your "angels"for support.)
These concepts are distilled from the colorful experiences of the author. He is a Corporate Trainer and Consultant, a Life Coach, School Administrator, Former High School Principal, an Ultra-Marathoner, an ex-Triathlete, a Bookworm, an NLP Instructor, a Father of four wonderful children and a lucky husband of a great woman.
Part 2 will follow soon: School and the Ten Commandments for Parents and Teachers
Part 3 follows: NLP @ Work: Leadership Transformation and Organization Development
About the author
Emmanuel F. Silan, PhD
The Spiritual Nature of the Filipino Psyche
May the gods smile upon your journey wherever your path brings you.Read more
Angels at the Crossroads
At a certain point in our lives, we have always arrived at our crossroads.Read more
Emotions are the booster for behavioral changes. Cognition and language fortify these changes.Read more
Beings of Love and Emotions
Humans are beings of love and emotions. Children's psycho-emotional needs have to be nurtured.Read more
My Search for Happiness
Isn’t it time to turn all those past memories and future experiences into your happy trails!Read more
Their Finest Hour
If you are reading this, then the choice you made in your darkest hours was to survive.Read more
Free Will (Fact or Fiction)
Law of Attraction essentially says that which you truly believe is what you are attracted to and by.Read more
Identity Independence vs. Unhealthy Emotional Fusion
Have COURAGE to break the toxic psycho-emotional chain & FAITH to forge a soul-nurturing oneRead more
Narcissism, Mental Health, and NLP
Understand that individuals see the world differently,their map of the world is different from yoursRead more
Managing Psycho-Emotional Stress
Stressors are part of our life and it's up to us how to manage them well!Read more
Embracing your pain while helping others is a life worthy of who you are.Read more
Our Love for Psycho-Dramas
Psycho-dramas are defense mechanisms for psycho-emotional issues.Read more
Broken Road to Redemption
Broken roads offer wonders, mysteries, and terrors. Walking through them is being forged in fire.Read more
We Are Naturally Irrational: And Why Using a Blaming Tone Won’t Win “Them” Over to “Your” Side
People are naturally irrational, and most of these beliefs revolve around self-identity issues.Read more
Marriage Constitution: An Operating Manual
Love and management of expectations: A Marriage ConstitutionRead more
Break the Habit of Fault-finding and Blaming
We can re-program our mind and liberate ourselves from negative beliefs to life-enhancing ones.Read more
Four Kinds of Leaders
Transformative leaders always choose to see the best in the people and the organization.Read more
Love in the Eternal Now
Love is that part of your soul, finding the gentle heartbeat of another - across space, beyond time.Read more
Faith in Humanity
In our heart of hearts, we strive to do what is right; we don't have hearts full of darkness.Read more
Self-Awareness and the Unconscious Mind
Self-awareness and reflection leads to the unleashing of the power of the unconscious mind.Read more
Philippine Culture Through the Eyes of an American Expat
Viewing with a different lens the Filipino culture of the "here-and-now" and the joy it brings.Read more
Emotion and Identity
There's an inverse relationship between self-esteem, or positive self-regard, and insecurity.Read more
Healing Pain and Suffering
Filling the heart-mind-spirit of life-giving thougths and emotions will heal pain and suffering.Read more
Structure of Pain and Suffering
Thoughts and beliefs that are not aligned to the purpose of God for us result in pain and suffering.Read more
Key Drivers of Pain and Suffering
The three drivers of pain and suffering: existential fear, obligations of love, ambitions of pride.Read more
The Nature of Pain and Suffering
Pain and suffering happen when we are not aligned with our nature and purposeRead more
NLP MANILA CERTIFICATION COURSES 2016-2017
NLP Manila Certification Course 2016-2017Read more
Words Make Worlds
In all of us reside the warrior of the light and the serpent of discord, and they manifest themselveRead more
The Sacred Burial Ground
The sacred burial ground is in all those places where our true heroes – the freedom fighters...Read more
Heart of Darkness and of Light
There is a war raging in the world, and it is a war not of religion, but of the human soul: a war...Read more
Hope and Influence
Love may go, friendships can fade, dreams may vanish, but once you lose HOPE, the world fades...Read more