The core traits of our personality, to a large extent, is basically our defense mechanism.
The core traits of our personality, to a large extent, is basically our defense mechanism. We adopted this early on during our infancy to early childhood days.
We resorted to such defense mechanisms either to get what we wanted at that time – love, care, belonging to a family system, nurturance, and human touch; or to detach and make ourselves believe that we need very little to survive in this world.
Imagine a father or mother or both who may have married very early or had an extra child who they didn’t expect anymore.
Or simply any set of parents whose way of raising children is through neglect, abuse, and apathy. Imagine how the children see the world through that environment of deprivation and pain.
Now imagine a toddler deciding, unconsciously, of forgoing much of our human basic needs, so that he or she won’t be a burden to the parents;
avoiding being a magnet to the ire of one or both of the parents.
Adults who were not mature enough, nor loving enough to even try to provide these most basic needs of infants and children. And I wonder if that infant is you, me, we.
Growing up in such a dysfunctional family dynamics, several outcome about the children’s present and future behavior can readily be approximated.
A child can adopt the behavior of “people pleasing,” primarily directed to his/ her caregiver, the significant adults in their lives. Believing that being a supplicant will spare them the “rod” and the abuse.
As adults, they become nurturers, caregivers. Alas, some of them eventually become “martyrs” and victims of abuse. Repeating generational trauma all over again.
Another child can adopt the “rebel” archetype. Both to attract the attention of the parents, and the other is forcing their way into the world to get what they need.
These children will always exhibit a “chip on their shoulders,” mentality.
Growing up, they will almost always resolve issues through direct confrontation and show of anger and aggressiveness.
They, however, can also be expected to “fight to the death” to protect their loved ones, especially their siblings.
Still, another child may opt to detach himself/herself from the world. Reducing their needs to a bare minimum, deciding to live a spartan way of life. Believing several things in doing so. One, that they are not worthy of getting what they actually need in life – love, care, and nurturing.
They then become modern versions of “monastics,” isolating themselves through a laser-focused dedication to their chosen crafts, ideally, those that don’t require them to emotionally invest in other people.
Some decided to live in desolate places to enjoy their solitude.
Another unconscious adaptation of early childhood survival persona is the archetype of a lone wolf. The ones who focus on making themselves tough, resilient, highly individualist, and very independent.
Most often, they refuse or are unable to let go of that sense of identity – an independent person who survives the traumas of life.
Such an extreme sense of independence imposes challenges to do those who want to love and care for them; for the independent ones will be too proud to ask for help, for love and care.
Creating a wall between them and the people they actually want to get moral support from, and to form an emotional attachment with.
These are just some of the major forms of both our adaptive and maladaptive mechanisms.
Sometimes they work for us, sometimes they become limiting factors in our growth.
Yet there is always hope.
Once we become more self-aware, more honest with ourselves, and courageous enough to face pain, regret, and that deepest longing for "a life-that-could-have-been";
then, with serenity, we can take to the path of transformation and evolution.
Some call it “becoming the better version of ourselves”; others will call it transcendence. I call it “embracing the essence of you.”
May you be the dream you have always known you were.
And know that where your pain lies, comes the greatness of your soul.
_____
#transformativepsychotherapist
About the author
Emmanuel F. Silan, PhD, RPsy
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